“When my father and my mother forsake me, then God will take care of me.”
Psalm 27, vs 10
The stress and strain of teenage years have been much on our minds over the last few days: the scourge of knife crime took precedence over all other issues on the BBC's Question Time programme last Thursday evening. Broadcast from Sale in the heart of Manchester, its audience focused first on this issue rather than the debacle over HS2 — that speaks volumes for the public concern for this tragic issue.
But it is an inter-generational issue, brought about by strains across generations as highlighted by David Willetts in his book ‘The Pinch’ ten years ago. The vertical stretching and cultural gaps across generations have considerably increased since then, and both society and the law are struggling to find answers.
This week we look at some of the issues which are putting parenting under pressure, and how we might start to address them; as well as that inter-generational unfairness which leaves so many young people with no alternative but to focus on their immediate concerns.
There has been a veritable assault on effective parenting over the past twenty years. For those whose roots are in this country, this has been caused by relationship breakdowns, the demands of work and, in some cases, the loss of a parent; the challenge for those affected by migration is further deepened by split families and cultural differences. Compare this with seventy-five years ago: many more families were struck with the loss of a parent following WW2, but comparatively few of those other issues reared their hand.
Meanwhile today's society does little to think generationally. The motive of instant gratification is predominantly self-interest, and the needs of the younger generation are so often by-passed. Likewise, it's a tragedy to see how the law treats family breakdown as if children were chattels, to be divided up accordingly.
No wonder there's little focus on developing an intelligent approach to parenting throughout the childhood journey — do we even teach it in schools?
William Shakespeare made a good start with his seven stages of life in ‘As You Like It’, with the years before adulthood covering infancy, (primary) school and being a teenager. These three stages call first for the routine of infancy: establishing the traditions which will stay on in future life. Secondly, there’s learning the stories and the great endowment of learning that we inherit. Finally, in the teenage years, there’s asking the question, ‘Why?’, and probing new perspectives for our changing world — this is also the stage at which the challenge of good parenting should be discussed, looking ahead to their next generation.
Richard Hooker describe these three components as tradition, scripture and reason; he did it for the newly-established Church of England, but the Church still struggles to get past the first two. Perhaps that's why it has so few teenagers among its followers.
However, the key underpinning need in parenting is the same as in the Christian faith: for all three of these stages, it is to rest firmly on the platform of unconditional love.
And it's the absence of that clear platform of love that results in so much of the anxiety, stress and fear that teenagers experience. Insecurity is a fundamentally serious problem, and nowhere do we see it more evidently than for young people in care.
The Share Foundation was established eighteen years ago in order to provide resources and financial awareness life skills for young people in care. I have always been aware of that deep sense of insecurity for looked-after children, but it was brought home for me particularly strongly at a Care Leavers Association meeting in Oxford some years ago. At this meeting a university graduate explained how, at the age of six, she was not only separated from her natural parents but also from her siblings for whom she had cared as the family disintegrated. She explained how she only came to terms with her situation after a full day in tears during her undergraduate studies.
The damage done to young people by parental breakdowns and the demands of the workplace can, to some extent, be mitigated by the extended family (where they’re available) — grandparents and aunts/uncles — but our society is not nearly as familiar, or well-equipped, in this respect as in many parts of the world.
The urgent need for politicians to increase focus on the long term, on which we have commented last week and earlier in the year, relies on the public being onside: and particularly the younger generation. That priority is being diverted not only by anxiety and stress, but also by money worries: I focused on this in a letter to the Church Times last week. We must address these issues in order to provide more opportunity for them to look forwards.
For many, however, the damage will remain as they move into adulthood. It may take forms of therapy such as Adam Cox’s hypnotic session on The Inner Child Tesseract in order to start to make sense of a difficult childhood journey.
The generational void has, of course, always been with us, as illustrated in Gordon Lightfoot’s song from the 1960s, ‘Sit down, young stranger’.
The Christian faith could also do much to help, being grounded on that essential platform of unconditional love. As mentioned earlier, the Church of England has a long way to go to make that connection for teenagers but our quotation today, from Psalm 27, provides the assurance for getting started on that journey.
Gavin Oldham OBE
Share Radio