‘Love Is nature's way of giving, a reason to be living; the golden crown that makes a man a king’
from ‘Love is a many splendoured thing’ by Andy Williams
The English language has spread throughout the world to become everyone's language-in-common, to the extent that it's a challenge for native English speakers to become fluent in other languages. It does, however, have a few idiosyncrasies, and one of these is its real poverty when speaking of love.
There are at least four different meanings wrapped up in that word ‘love’ if you include that casual expression of objective desire, ‘I love ice cream’. The Greek language defines three other entirely different types of love: eros (έρος), or sexual desire/passion; filios (φίλίος), defining sibling or friendly affection; and agape (άγάπε), or the unconditional love that a mother has for her child, or that is described in St. John's definition of God.
It's a great misfortune that the word is so universal in English. Last week, our commentary looked at similar teachings in world faiths comparable to that instruction of Jesus, ‘Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you’. But, if we find the definition of love hard to understand, it leaves a significant question over what that instruction really means.
Another way of looking at the word ‘love’ is to define the purpose of the love which we are describing. If it's loving ice cream, or even loving in a sexual context, there's a priority on self-interest. Sibling or friendship love is a more balanced process of give and take. Agape is essentially all giving, selfless love.
This week’s episode of The Hypnotist drills down into what's needed for long-lasting love such as that on which steady-state marriages are based, and you'll note the references to trust and freedom rather than control. This points to a multi-faceted structure of love in which you will find all of those Greek definitions waxing and waning over time. Over the decades the balance of eros, filios and agape will change, but overall the depth of love is secure and long-lasting.
These features are also reflected in Kahlil Gibran’s description of marriage, as set out in his 1923 book, ‘The Prophet’. This makes room for space and self-expression in a way that allows respect and trust to grow:
‘Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together — yet not too near together, for the pillars of the temple stand apart.
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.’
That same respect and trust is very much called for when considering the call to ‘love your enemies’. A mature relationship between states which might otherwise resort to violence looks not for control but for building trust and respect: but, as author Amy Rees Anderson says, ‘Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair’.
That's the reason why we need a Global Assembly of Faith in addition to the United Nations, in order to help build knowledge and confidence about other people and their different faiths.
It's important that deeper thinking about the meaning of the word ‘love’ is also built into the education system. These are not things that can be set down and defined by Artificial Intelligence; they are essentially human in character. The need for this is crystal clear in the huge number of children brought up in single-parent families — in the UK, that's one in every four households — and in the fact that more than 50% of children are now born out of wedlock.
It's clear evidence that our society needs to radically re-establish what it means to love someone for the long term. If we don't do that, it will further undermine the stability of our society.
So, this poverty of the English language is a serious concern. Modern life needs sharper definitions of the word ‘love’, and once again we have a lot to learn from Grecian heritage.
Gavin Oldham OBE
Share Radio